


Alien outside the Cabinet

by HumpyHeidi



Category: The Thick Of It, Yes Minister, Yes Prime Minister
Genre: AU, Established Relationship, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2019-12-10
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:34:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21743839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HumpyHeidi/pseuds/HumpyHeidi
Summary: Absolute AU.  Years after season 4 of The Thick of It.Sir Humphrey is still the Cabinet Secretary and Bernard is now the permanent secretary of FCO and Jim is in the House of Lords (I guess).New Labour got back in power and Nicola became the foreign secretary (finally). She left James shortly after the Inquiry and married Malcolm after the latter spent several months in jail.Then one day they meet...
Relationships: Humphrey Appleby/Bernard Woolley, Nicola Murray/Malcolm Tucker
Comments: 9
Kudos: 15





	1. Pillow Talk

**Author's Note:**

> Just some funny thoughts when rewatching the season 3 of The Thick of It

Cabinet Office  


‘So, how’s your new Foreign Secretary?’ Humphrey asked, sipping his sherry.

‘She’s fine. As you know, she’s got a first-degree in Oxford as well.’ Sitting next to Humphrey, Bernard, the permanent secretary of FCO answered.

‘Yes, and she’s attractive enough. That’s all that this position requires, a fair actress representable on the stage, who could memorize the lines.’

Bernard frowned a little, ‘I’m still a little bit nervous. It’s the first time I’ve ever served a female Minister.’

Humphrey chuckled, shaking his head, ‘Relax my dear. You won’t have to endure what I had long ago with my Mistress Dr Edith, who just couldn’t keep her hands off me. You’re the permanent secretary now, who weighs much more than a private secretary. On the other hand, you weigh too much for her taste I guess, someone as podgy as you could not be her type. You can tell from that scrawny husband of hers.’

Humphrey toyed with a button on Bernard’s tight waistcoat while saying this, inducing a slight sigh from the latter. Satisfied with the awakening desire from the younger man, Cabinet Secretary caressed Bernard’s cheek with his thumb.

Bernard turned to kiss Humphrey’s fingers, murmuring absent-mindedly, ‘Yes, I believe you’re right. However, that infamous leaking criminal could be a headache for FCO. He used to be banned from the White House, which would be a problem if his wife were to visit America, leading to the unavoidable embarrassments. Luckily now that a different party has taken the US government so we might manage to get a pass for him.’

Humphrey raked his fingers through Bernard’s hairs, smiled, ‘I've heard that she's succeded in training her husband to restrain the filthy vocabulary to only F-words, banning all the C words and T words, quite an amazing achievement. My dear Bernard, probably you should spend more time thinking about how to housetrain your new foreign secretary, especially given such an influential partner she has conquered, it wouldn't be easy. '

Bernard smirked and laid a kiss on Humphrey’s lips, ‘Don’t worry, I’ve learnt from the best.’


	2. Face the Alien

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And as a non-native English speaker, I can never write a strong sentence for Malcolm, so please forgive me if you feel this one is out-of-character.

After a Cabinet meeting, all ministers were leaving the office. Nicola, in her heels and an extremely loud violet dress, was still discussing something passionately with Sir Humphrey, ‘It’s not that I don’t trust you, Sir Humphrey, but I have to make sure that those points I’ve made about Venezuela have been minuted.’

‘Don’t worry, my dear lady, everything significant in the cabinet meeting would have been documented in the minute.’ Humphrey answered in his perfect patronizing tone.

At this moment, there came a shouting from the corridor, startling almost everyone. Sure enough, it was Nicola’s husband.

‘What the fuck did you just call her?’ Malcolm in his bullocking face hissed right onto Humphrey’s nose.

Humphrey, to his credit, didn’t tremble in the slightest to this ‘alien’ man, the previous dark lord of Dawning Street. He squinted his eyes and succeeded in an almost confident smile, asked calmly, ‘I beg your pardon? And how did you manage in entering this place without a pass…’

‘She is NOT your dear lady, you Old Poxbridge Fucker!’ Malcolm snapped sharply, ‘I can call her everything I like. I can call her Nic'la, sweetheart, pet, darling, idiot, black widow, even omnishambles… that’s because I’m the one and the only one who could fuck her, both metaphorically and literally. But you fucking civil servant has only one correct way to address her, and that is not your dear fucking lady! Now, call her properly you daft bone ash!’ 

Watching Malcolm staring at Sir Humphrey furiously, Nicola nudged her husband a little bit but she thought it would be wiser not to intervene, at least not before Malcolm physically hurt anybody. She turned to Sir Humphrey apologetically, with anticipation for a peaceful ending.

Sir Humphrey kept his composure, took a deep breath, eyed Malcolm grudgingly, then he gave Nicola a solemn nod, and the sound came from him was not as loud but audible enough.

‘Yes, minister.’

**Author's Note:**

> I'm a little bit too cruel to Humphrey in this story, I'll make it up to him someday, I promise.


End file.
